Notes from Hope
I should have known
Remember that "put upon" feeling I was having last week?
Well, despite having this body and mind for over fifty years, I forgot that when I feel antsy and overwhelmed there is a good chance that I am fighting off an illness.
And it is not just me. I have lost track of the number of times I have become frustrated with my boys because they were acting frustrated or defiant only for them to come down with an illness within 48 hours.
My nervous system and emotions were giving me advanced notice of a stonking cold. I should have known.
Something to think about
Our minds and bodies are in constant communication, and often, emotional reactions are symptoms of physical issues and vice versa. Recent research demonstrates that the histamine our bodies release to fight infection can overstimulate the nervous system and cause anxiety in people who are more intolerant to histamine.
In reverse, our bodies often tell us something about our mental health. Muscle tension is often a sign of stress, and butterflies in the stomach are often a sign of nervousness. Sometimes, we are aware of these embodied emotions, but often, they are unconscious, and our body is trying to signal to us that our emotions need attention.
Something to answer
Are you aware of the signals your body and mind send to you about each other? I invite you to think and/or journal about these questions:
What physical symptom have you experienced that is tied to an embodied emotion, and/or what emotion have you experienced that is a signal of a physical issue?
How was your experience different after you became aware of this connection?
What did you do to realign your body and mind?
Something to do
Take this week to notice how your body and mind communicate with each other about what you need to pay attention to.
What does your body tell you about your emotional state before you are even aware of experiencing the emotion?
What emotions do you experience that are telling you about something physical you need to pay attention to?
As always, I invite you to reply to this email with your insights and observations. Let me know if I can include them in next week's newsletter and if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.
If you know someone who would love this newsletter, which offers insights and tools for self-awareness, change, and living your best life (and some hope, too), please share it with them.
Much love,
Hope
P.S. I am thinking about sending out daily notes—just one or two sentences of hope every day—and I would love your input.
I will let you know whether I will launch this soon.
The put upon
Although I typically include your insights in this newsletter, I am not doing that today as I have had a bit of an ah-ha moment.
This week, I have been feeling put upon. It seems that everyone has needed or wanted something from me and has presented me with steaming piles of their problems for me to solve. Honestly, I have been getting frustrated as my wants and needs move to the back burner. I have leaned into resentment and the story that "no one appreciates all I am doing/giving up to help them."
But why?
It is because I believe I have to make sure that everyone else is okay, and I need to clear the decks before I can do what is meaningful to me or brings me joy.
Do people intend to derail my plans? Do they expect me to drop everything to prioritise their needs? Do they know that sometimes, as I say "yes," I am at breaking point?
No, no and no.
Reflecting on this this week, I know it is not a "them" problem. It is very much a "me" problem. I prioritise others' requests not because they are demanding me to but because I demand myself to help, assist, and problem-solve. I enjoy the feeling of being of service...until I don't, and that "don't" sneaks up and pummels me without warning. It often pummels others around me, too.
Something to think about
By making sure that everyone and everything is alright before we attend to what we have declared is important to us, we feel good because I am being helpful, we get to blame others for our lack of progress, and we get to avoid the risk of failing at something personally meaningful.
Rather than always saying "yes" and prioritising others' demands and requests, we can choose how we use our support muscles. We cannot constantly flex them and push them to their limits. Instead, we can choose to use them wisely according to the situation and our needs.
Something to answer
Do you ever feel put upon? I invite you to think and/or journal about these questions:
What is the story you tell yourself when you feel put upon?
What do you fear about prioritising what is important to you over what is urgent for others?
How do you know the story and your fears are true?
Something to do
When you feel resentful, unappreciated, or put upon, close your eyes and notice where you are feeling it in your body. Get out of your head and notice the sensations you feel. It may be a tightening in the chest, a slump of the spine, and/or breathing rapidly.
Notice it. What is that feeling telling you?
As always, I invite you to share your insights and observations by replying to this email. Let me know if I can share them in next week's newsletter and if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.
If you know someone who would love this newsletter, which offers insights and tools for self-awareness, change, and living your best life (and some hope, too), please share it with them.
Much love,
Hope
I can't believe it
This week, I did a few shifts on a mental health crisis hotline, and for some reason, this was the first time a few of the callers mentioned my accent (for those that don't know - I grew up in the States and now live just north of London in the UK). While I tried to keep the focus on them and what they were going through, all of them asked where I was from and gasped when I told them I grew up in Florida.
The general response was, "Florida is amazing, I can't believe you would live here when everything is so much better there." Although I responded with a self-deprecating laugh and moved on with the conversations, it got me thinking about belief.
I do not believe everything in Florida is so much better than in the UK - (which explains why I no longer live there). In my experience, what they were saying was not true, yet for them, like many others, including my brother, this is what they believe and, therefore, what is true.
So, who is right? Who is wrong? What is true?
Something to think about
We have beliefs that differ from those of others, and sometimes, we have beliefs that are not true. Children often believe in Santa, but their belief does not mean that a jolly old man in a red suit circumnavigates the globe in one day on his sledge driven by reindeer. As adults, we know this not to be true. However, we often harbour beliefs about ourselves based on our past experiences and what others have told us is true about us.
One of my beliefs is that I have no value unless I am smart. It is not a belief I have about others, but it is one that my brain insists is true about me and automatically drives a lot of my thinking, feeling, and being without me being aware. It makes me reluctant to take risks, ask for help, put myself out there, and show vulnerability. But is it true?
Something to answer
Do you believe something about yourself that may not be true? I invite you to think and/or journal about these questions:
What do I believe about myself (and/or others) that is holding me back from what I want to do?
Whose voice do you hear or who do you see when you repeat this belief?
What would be different if this was not true?
I will be journalling along with you as I explore other beliefs that I have taken on that are either no longer true or were never true to begin with.
Something to do
Allow yourself to become curious about your beliefs. If, like me, you believe what makes you valuable to others, ask a few people you trust to share what they value about you.
You could also give yourself time and space to trace and follow the trail back to when and where you started to believe this to be true. Where did this belief come from? What was it protecting you from? Is it true now?
Consider how you can let it go. You might write it down on a piece of paper that you burn, thank it for protecting you and letting it know you no longer need it, or put up a reminder on a Post-it note that it is no longer true and look at that every day.
What belief do you have that may not be true? What will you do to let it go?
Again, I invite you to reply and let me know how it goes.
In response to last week
Last week's newsletter was about who we could be, and here are some of your thoughts:
"My initial reaction to the question was all the things I didn’t want to be….and rather than resist this, I decided to flow with it and wrote down all of those things. And then I put on an uplifting song and crossed off each thing I didn’t want to be and identified it’s opposite. This was an INCREDIBLE reflection. I don’t know that I would have gotten the clarity if I had just tried to muzzle the negative first reaction - my brain likes to act like a child needing a snack “MOM, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom. Mom. Mom. Can I. Can I have a snack? Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.”… But using it? Was incredibly helpful."
"And, so now…hear I sit …wondering what’s next for me. I’m definitely taking things slow..I’m in no rush. I can definitely relate to listening to our soul and not our mind. Self-development has been a HUGE part of my life, and I realize it can do only so much without taking action. I started to commit to that earlier this year because it’s exhausting staying in my mind. I’m getting back into Pilates & Yoga that I started & plan to start Barre class as well! "
To everyone who replied, thank you for sharing your story. I apologize if I did not quote you directly in this issue of the newsletter, but know that I read every reply. I would love to hear your insights and how your thinking, journalling, and acting went, so reply to this email and let me know. I intend to anonymously share a few insights each week so that we learn from and support each other as we navigate the space between where we are now and where we would like to be.
If you know someone who would love this newsletter, which offers insights and tools for self-awareness, change, and living your best life (and some hope, too), please share it with them.
Much love,
Hope
Who do I want to be next?
Hello,
This is the question I am currently wrangling with, and I would love to say that I have had a sudden flash of inspiration or insight that will point me in the right direction. While I have had that clarity a few times, packing up and moving from the US to the UK and back again (and again) about "where next," it has been a different story every time I have changed how I am living, the work I am doing, and who I want to be.
In the past, I have spent a lot of time trying to work out the perfect answer, trying to change who I was into who I am becoming in one fell swoop. I inevitably get stuck, frustrated, and angry with myself because what I thought it would be like to be the next version of Hope is far from reality. I jump in too quickly rather than taking the time to experiment and play with multiple possibilities, trying them on as I would when buying a new pair of jeans.
I have found myself back where I started more times than I would like to count, so I am trying something new this time. Instead of spending weeks, months, and years thinking about who I want to be (or who I am meant to be), I am taking my first steps by identifying "possible selves" I would like to experiment with.
Something to think about
Although we have spent years being told that knowledge comes from reflection, then acting; planning, then implementing, personal transformation works in the opposite sequence. By taking action first and then reflecting on the outcomes, we learn more about ourselves and how we want to interact in the world. Armed with this knowledge, we can act and reflect again, making adjustments to what we think is true about ourselves, what we want, and how we want to be.
Something to answer
Stuck about who you could be? To come up with possible selves, consider journalling about these three questions:
What will my life look like in 5 years if I continue living my life on my current trajectory?
What would I do if the current trajectory could no longer happen and I needed to change?
What would I do if money were no object?
I will be journalling along with you as I consider my possible selves.
Something to do
Get outside of your comfort zone and try doing something you want to do rather than feel you should.
This may be going for a bike ride because you remember how much you used to enjoy it.
It could be reconnecting with an old friend you have not talked to in ages, even though you feel nervous about reaching out because it has been so long.
It could involve sending one or two emails a day to people outside your network to introduce yourself, ask for advice, or sell your products or services.
How did it feel? What did you learn about yourself? Again, I invite you to reply and let me know how it goes.
A bit more about Notes From Hope
Every Friday, I will send notes with ideas for you to think about, questions to ask yourself, and actions to try.
I would love to hear your insights and how your thinking, journalling, and acting went, so reply to this email and let me know. I intend to anonymously share our insights so we can learn from and support each other as we navigate the space between where we are now and where we would like to be.
This is my "something to do" as I experiment with acting first rather than spending so much time staring at my navel that I never try new versions of myself on for size.
If you know someone who would love this newsletter, which offers insights and tools for self-awareness, change, and living your best life (and some hope, too), please share it with them.
Much love,
Hope
The reset
Hello,
It has been quite a while since an email from me landed in your inbox, and I have missed it.
A few years ago, I thought I was crystal clear about what I wanted my life to look like, what work I wanted to be doing, and how my relationships would develop. My brain had a lot of logical ideas and a plan of action.
What I did not consider then was that these ideas and plans, when implemented, could be completely out of sync with my heart, body, and soul. These rational plans left no room for error and no space for life throwing its curveballs.
When I executed these plans with the same enthusiasm I had when I went back to university to obtain an MSc in Psychology, I failed to consider that while getting another degree was something I wanted for myself, these plans were radically different. They resulted from the "shoulds" and stories my brain had internalised as truths and beliefs about worth, value, and success.
So, I gave up working for myself to be employed by someone else for the first time in 17 years. My brain convinced me that choosing this path would allow me to work with clever people to grow, develop, and co-create. It was adamant that the job security would anchor me and allow me to weather any storms that arose.
These thoughts drowned out my brain's underlying belief that this role would allow me to prove my worth and be valued by others.
My brain was protecting me from the unacknowledged fear of not living up to expectations but did not let me in on its motivations.
Over two years, I juggled all of the balls. I performed my role well. I supported others on my team. I took on more work. I leaned in even harder when one of my boys went through an 18-month mental health crisis. I chose to work longer and gave up my time for yoga, reading, and walking the dog. I burned out completely.
In all the doing and proving, I failed to realise that my original motivations were no longer driving me. I was solely motivated by the fear of being perceived as a failure and proving to others that I was more than capable. Part of my brain told me I should be able to cut it, to excel in areas that drain me and are not strengths of mine, while another part of my brain, as well as my heart, body and soul, were screaming at me to stop running on fear-based autopilot.
Over a year later, I am beginning to fully appreciate the cost to myself and others of listening only to my fear-based brain, of accepting the "shoulds" as gospel without being more curious about where they come from, and of not trusting my intuition or my body's wisdom.
So, this season, I am choosing to give myself permission to take the time and create the space needed to tap into the wisdom of my head and heart, body, and soul. While I can envision what I want my life to look like, I am not jumping into planning or fixing mode—much to the disappointment of my striving, proving, rational brain.
However, I am leaning into connection, and I invite you to join me as I refine, refocus, and relaunch this newsletter, which offers insights and tools for self-awareness, change, and living your best life (and some hope, too).
Much love,
Hope